23 weeks left until we peace forever. get at me. there is no time left for “next time.” don’t you remember that you make me happy?
Listening to: The Antlers – Atrophy.
i dive into february.
i drive a 4-cylinder pickup truck that roars on every gear. i listen to 91.5 fm KUSC every morning on my way to work, and on sunday nights i drive home, listening to opera. mozart and wagner. other days i feel happy by listening to sad music, like The Antlers’ Hospice. some of my best friends greet me at home: my g500 laser mouse, my 25″ widescreen, my memory foam pillow and memory foam notebook sleeve, my sennheiser headphones, my 4.7 lb notebook. and orange juice in the refrigerator.
i’ll often disappoint myself with every thought let go to lost time deserts, or troughs, or fills of land, or swept on thursdays and fridays from 8am – 10am. it’s no one’s fault but my own, but no one will remind me. i want them to remind me. because it’s moments like mine, and hers, and yours, and theirs, that bounce from the pages of scrapbooks and allow us the unfathomable luxury of resurrected scents, uncrying tears to cry again, or smiling when no one’s around to see that you’re happy again.
what of rediscovery? or blue flames? your desperate breaths meet the ocean air and then you keel over because it tastes so good. like all your life you’ve lived in a high elevation desert and then you stumble upon an oasis that was only sixty miles away.
not that i never was, but i’m happy again.
it’s hard to explain. there are words, but one is enough.
love.
every day.
Listening to: The Antlers – Wake.
i just didn’t have time. i’m trying now to remedy what was lost. a futile attempt. what follows is the haphazaard exposition of internal conflict, external happenings and pervading thought of the past three months. all in retrospect. a shame.
and so it goes.
so what happened here, alan? you were at the onset of a glorious new quarter, anticipating a final year of university that promised to be what it clearly could not be. my inspired promises would never manifest the way i envisioned them. i had set a bar too high, and i had grown so much since the fall of 2008. a taint on an otherwise intoxicating year of romance and dreams. i did not know that i could not have both, so my disillusionment is the consequence of these foolish thoughts.
and that is completely unfair. my inability to cast away the shadows of one world in spite of the light of the other world fails to accurately depict the splendor and unhindered jubilee of what i thought were sparse moments. nay, this was hardly the case! these moments were everywhere and all the time. bright stars litter a darkened sky until the sun births once again.
we celebrated lisa’s 23rd birthday. we ate sushi and had the most fun i’ve ever had clubbing at stingaree in downtown la jolla. we both continued our movie storm and indugled in little italy’s reminder that our origin would never leave our minds.
i bought a new laptop. iloveit. october brought pumpkin spice lattes and scones. the great thing about working is that you have cash to go out and do things! the fruits of my labor! food, movies, gadgets and drinks! i think it’s a satisfactory lifestyle. isn’t that what we all do? …
phi alpha delta turned into kappa alpha pi by this time. i saw old friends less and less, but made substantial connections to new ones. i only hope that the coming winter quarter will solidify those bonds, because i genuinely like these people! it is very relieving knowing that cool people are still in the fraternity. they’re just different cool people. and banquet was great 
leading into december, i was hard at work on my magnum opus: a discussion of Pauline eschatological perspectives as defined by the historical context of Roman pax Romana and Jewish eschatological tradition, as established in 1 Thessalonians. this, plus work, italian, and that damned LGBT pop music class made me a hermit.
but hard work paid off, and when i finished, i was 22! christmas was great. lisa and i went out of our way to discover the menagerie of holiday decorations, and i actually purchased worthwhile gifts for my entire family.
so what does it bring me to? perhaps a conclusion would be better sought in my next post.
2009 year in review.
Listening to: Nothing.
it was the hardest quarter of my life. and now i’m 22.
i didn’t know that aaliyah died at 22. it’s amazing how much one can accomplish in such a short amount of time. think about millionaires in their early 20’s, and think about what you’ve been through to get where you are now. what can you say? it’s all been rather selfish; and for what? to shape your mind, to build a number quantifying your worth? i wouldn’t readily say university is the fast track. life isn’t cranium. the chances of rolling a purple aren’t as high.
but then i think about everyone else. i’m armed with so much under my belt, ready to take on the real world, to finally pop this college bubble i’m in and be privy to the concerns of real people. college students aren’t real people. their concerns are confined to the temporary spheres that last sometimes three, sometimes four, sometimes five or six years. and then boom. he graduates. “is [person] still around?” yeah. but are you going to see him? probably not. and if so, not very often.
i never really cared about my birthday before. all of us are so busy now that birthdays are pretty important. i think it’s a shame when someone doesn’t do anything for their birthday. its one of your best chances to really see all the people you care about. opportunities now are few and far between.
so a big thank you to everyone who came out. it rained. it poured. but the birthday weekend was probably one of the most relieving and satisfactory birthdays given all that has transpired. my last post was so emo, but it really captured everything i was feeling. i’m grateful i cataloged it.
cheers to you and all my friends and all those who sent me greetings, words emboldened with love. that which i do not take for granted.
Listening to: Tiesto – Tell Me.